As I unpacked my suitcase from vacation this past Sunday I felt an overwhelming sadness. There was no immediate reason for my melancholy temperament. We had spent 5 days on a sunny beach in a house filled with laughter and love. We ate good, spent time with family, and let the waves crash against our feet in the beauty of God’s creation. Vacation should be a time of renewal (though it is rarely restful with children!), but the weight of grief seemed almost unbearable when we pulled into our driveway.
In reality, this isn’t new for me. I feel this grief almost every time I return home from vacation or work trip.
This October will mark ten years since my Mom died suddenly from a heart attack. The shock and grief have never really gone away. They are always there just below the surface, ready to bubble and boil over at the smallest trigger. The laughter of the grandchildren she never got to know, the memory of a meal she would always cook, seeing a mother and son together, or some random moment or word can bring the reminder of her absence.
Returning home from vacation is one of these triggers. I don’t quite know why.
Maybe, it is the fact that she is no longer there to call and talk through all of our experiences. She is no longer here to share these fun times and the funny and memorable stories. I think some of it is home is never truly home without her. These trips and these memories all feel a little less bright because she is gone. Returning home reminds me she is not here.
I can go for a while without thinking about her, but these important moments always slap me in the face with the reality of grief.
I am blessed to be able to enjoy these vacations with my in laws. Their love and their care for me and my family are one of God’s greatest gifts. Since our kids were born we have taken a vacation with my wife’s whole family each summer. I thank God every day for allowing me to be a part of a family so close and so loving, but I would be lying if I said I am not also jealous. These vacations are awesome, but they are also reminders of what I no longer have this side of eternity.
I am thankful, so thankful, but I am also sad. I am sad about the past, but I am also sad about the future.
Time moves so quickly. Every trip, every return from vacation reminds me these days are numbered. Our kids are growing so fast. I know these trips will one day just be memories, they will be reminders of the time we spent together, the love of our family, and the blessings of God. We have a limited number of trips, of milestone moments with our kids.
As I unpack the suitcase I am reminded of the finite number of days we are given on this earth. Each year brings us closer to the day our kids grow up. This is good! It is the way it should be, but it doesn’t make it any easier to see time slip by so fast.
The fog of this sadness lasts a few days after every trip. I will return to the routine of work and life and God is gracious to always remind me of the hope we have in Christ, but today I am struggling. I am pulled by longing for the past and a desire for time to slow down
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🤗❤️🙏
You make me think of my boys and you describe how I think they feel. July and August are difficult